First night of freedom

Last night I went out to dinner with some friends.  It was a late dinner and I wasn’t sure if it was going to be a quiet dinner or a night of drunken debauchery so I planned ahead.

I had originally asked my ex if she could take the kids for the night.  She already had plans and I agreed to find someone else to watch the kids.  My mom stepped up, as she always does, and offered to stay with them.

I decided that it would probably be better for my mom to watch them up at the trailer.  My daughter has been asking to go to the trailer all week.  I think one more day of waiting would have thrown her over the edge.  I figured it would also be easier for my mother because my kids love the trailer and are used to dealing with my mother there.

So I drove the kids up, met my mom and then headed back home to get ready for dinner.

It was a lovely dinner and conversation and an opportunity to meet an online friend.  There were three of us and we first went to the friend’s hotel room for a drink.  Then off for a late dinner where we eventually closed the restaurant.  We dropped the friend off at her hotel and I was home by 11:45.

I sat here in my living room thinking….what do I do now?  It seemed like such a waste to be at home and not out partying when I didn’t have my kids for the night.

I thought about heading out to a bar, calling an old friend who has been chasing me for a booty call…anything to take advantage of my first night of freedom.

But I did none of that.  I went to bed.  I woke up at 7 am and I’m just puttering around the house before I head up to the trailer to start my weekend.

 

 

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Mother’s Day

My son has been asking me for a month or so for a CD he can record on and a recorder. He was driving me nuts and I couldn’t figure out what he wanted to do so I kept putting him off. On Saturday he asked me if I forgot and he seemed so sad. I sat him down and tried to figure out what he was trying to accomplish. When I found out, it brought tears to my eyes.

He wanted to play the Imagination Movers song “The Mother in You” and sing along and record it for me.   So I gave him my phone and the ipod and showed him how to play the song and record himself singing.

He was so cute when he asked me to leave so he could do it without my help and so proud when he brought the phone out when he was done. It was so incredibly sweet to hear him singing along with the Imagination Movers.

Best gift ever!

I love the fact that he thought of it all by himself.  Well, the Imagination Movers episode where the song came from was when Nina was trying to find something for her mother for Mother’s Day so they ended up writing this song and recording it for Nina to give her mom so he might have had some inspiration.

For those not so well versed in Imagination Mover musicology, here are the lyrics:

You know exactly what to say and do
It’s the mother in you
It’s the mother in you
It’s the mother in you

You’re always there when I’m feeling blue
It’s the mother in you
It’s the mother in you
It’s the mother in you

I fall down and skin my knee
But my mama’s always there for me
She picks me up, pats my head
Careful next time is what she says

When I am scared she holds my hand
Explains things I don’t understand
She teaches what I need to know
The things that help me learn and grow

You know exactly what to say and do
It’s the mother in you
It’s the mother in you
It’s the mother in you

You’re always there when I’m feeling blue
It’s the mother in you
It’s the mother in you
It’s the mother in you

When I was learning to draw
And it was getting real tough
You didn’t let me quit, said not to give up,
Oh no I love you mom

I gave you a flower, true love is power
Hug me for what seems like hours
Put it in a vase and smile for days
You’ve always said you’re proud of me

One word will not do, I need two more
To say I love you, and another
I love you mom

Throw up my hands, scratch my head
What’s the best gift that I can give
You just said it, oh yeah, I love you mom

I love my mom, I love my mom
I love my mom, I love my mom
I love my mom, I love my mom
I love my mom

You know exactly what to say and do
It’s the mother in you
It’s the mother in you
It’s the mother in you

You’re always there when I’m feeling blue
It’s the mother in you
It’s the mother in you
It’s the mother in you

You know I love you mama
Oh yes you know it’s true
You know that I love you.

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Trailer Season

This past weekend was the opening weekend at the trailer park.  I wasn’t sure if I was going to take the kids up for the weekend because the pool isn’t opened and I wasn’t sure how my daughter would do.

I should know by now that I shouldn’t under-estimate her.  She did great.  She was a little agitated on Saturday because she wanted to go swimming.  I had to go into town and run some errands so I told my mother that if she wanted to, she could put her suit on and take her down to the pond for a swim.

They took a walk down to the pond and into the water she went.  Amazing.  The water must have been about 50 degrees but she had a great time.  She didn’t stay in long, just long enough to be happy she could do it.

The rest of the weekend was wonderful as well.  I spent Friday night sitting around talking to a new friend and Saturday around the fire with the kids.  I took the kids back to the trailer and put them to bed and then my niece came and watched them for a while so I could go back and socialize some more.

My mother commented that I was even different up at the trailer.  I was much more social and interested in talking to people and hanging out.  The past couple of years the kids and I have stayed pretty much to ourselves and people would come to us when they had a chance.  This weekend I was taking the kids around and we were getting out and doing things.

Sunday morning I took my son out looking for frogs.  It was nice for him and I to be able to spend some quality time together.  Usually up at the trailer I stay with my daughter and my mom or someone else takes my son to do things.  It was great to be able to devote 2 hours just to him.

We had to leave the trailer early to get back to see my ex for Mother’s Day.  It was really hard to tear ourselves away from the trailer and we were a little late getting there.  The kids had made her the requisite school projects and I ended up framing their school pictures and another picture of the two of them together.  I know she really misses the kids so she really appreciated the gift.

My house is now a disaster and I have to get it cleaned up and ready for Friday when we are up there for the long weekend.  I’m not sure how this is going to work this summer since my ex will be taking the kids every other weekend.  It’s too bad that the kids will miss the trailer on those weekends but my ex has a pool so I don’t think they’ll be too upset about it.

I guess that means I’m going to get to spend some quality time at the trailer by myself.

Let the summer fun begin.

Out and about

There were a couple of reasons why we moved to new town.  One was to get the kids out of the city and out into a smaller town.  Sure, 125K isn’t small by most standards, but when you came from a city of 3M it’s definitely an adjustment.

We wanted to move to an area where the kids were out and played on the streets.  Our previous neighbourhood didn’t have any children in it, of if there were, we never saw them.    Our new street has half a dozen children outside every night playing road hockey, riding their bikes, playing basketball, etc.

It’s a bit of an adjustment for my son who hasn’t had anyone to play with for the last 7 years.  He’s gotten pretty good at imaginary play and amusing himself so he’s having a little trouble fitting in and playing with the other kids.  He is trying to emulate a lot of their behaviours and we’re having some power struggles over what is and is not appropriate.  We’ll figure it out.

There is also a very large and supportive autism community out here.  I’ve started to gather information and figure out how to utilize the services that are available to us out here.

Another big reason for us moving out here was to get the kids out of the house more.  In the city we didn’t get out and do things.  I’m not sure if it was because everything was so far apart, because we were concerned about crowds, my daughter, etc. or if we were just lazy; but whatever the reason, we were usually home or running errands on the weekends, not out and doing fun family things.

So I’m really trying to get the kids out and doing things on the weekends.  I’ve gotten season passes at the big city zoo and at the smaller petting zoo.  My son has signed up for soccer and his first game is in two weeks.  I’m not sure how he’ll do, but it’s getting him and us out there.

I’ve also signed him up for a siblings with ASD group.  It’s every Wednesday night for 4 weeks and it is just a social group for kids 5-12 who have siblings with autism.  He’s starting to have a lot of questions about his sister and why she does what she does so I think it’s pretty important for him to meet other kids who understand what his life is like.

He’s a pretty remarkable kid with his sister and I want him to know that he’s not alone, that there are other kids out there who are dealing with similar issues.

And of course, it’s trailer season and the park opens up this weekend.

I’m taking the kids up Friday night and I’m sure they will be thrilled to be back there.  My daughter might be a little upset because there is no swimming yet but we will see how she does.  She’s been surprising me a lot these days so maybe she’ll be fine.  And if she’s not, we’ll deal with it.

We’re not going to not do things just because they might be hard.  That was our old way of doing things.  Now we’re going to try.  And sometimes it’s going to fail spectacularly, and other times, it will work out better than we expect.

But we’re done waiting and worrying.  Now we are out there doing and I can’t describe how incredible it feels.

So what’s next?

I’m hearing that a lot lately.  What am I going to do next?

I have no desire to get into another relationship.  My social circle is pretty small these days and I’m ok with that.  I’m very much an introvert and a home body so I’m enjoying spending my evenings and weekends at home with my children.

Sure, I’d like to go out and have some adult fun but it’s not a priority for me at this point.

What is a priority is figuring out what I like.  Who I am.  And giving myself permission to do what makes me happy.  Most of my relationships involve me trying to ensure that those around me are happy.

I have spent the last 23 year years practicing serial monogamy.  I think the longest I ever didn’t live with someone I was in a relationship with is 6 months.   While I always professed that I wouldn’t rush into another relationship, it always seemed to happen.

I am adamant that it will not happen again.  It can’t.  I have two children who depend on me for stability and I won’t subject them to a revolving door of temporary partners.

There was a big disconnect in my previous relationship where I had a real problem being both mommy and wife.  Looking back, I’m not sure I was doing a good job at either of those roles.  And when I lost who I was in the process I made bad decisions trying to claw back something just for me.

So for now I’m going to spend time trying to reconcile how to be a mother and still find time for me.  If I can manage to merge those two identities, maybe I’ll be able to add a third in the future.

The very very distant future.

What’s Up Doc?

I think the biggest surprise for me since moving out on my own with the kids is that I’m totally rocking this single parent thing.

The kids and I have been out on the weekends doing fun family things. We had a stretch of beautiful weather for a while so we went to the zoo Easter weekend and had a great time. The kids were incredibly well-behaved and we had lots of fun riding the zoomobile and the carousel and watching the penguins swim from the under water viewing platform.

Then I took the kids and my niece down to Niagara Falls for the weekend.  My son was excited because the hotel room had bunk beds and my daughter was excited because we spent two days at the waterpark.

I was a little concerned because I knew that there would be a lot of people there and a lot of waiting in line but my daughter did great.  Everyone had a great time at the waterpark and enjoying the sites around Niagara Falls.

 We took a ride in the SkyWheel and while the children enjoyed it a lot, it just reiterated the fact that I really don’t like heights.

After a dinner at the Rainforest Cafe, which I found to be over priced and mediocre food at best we hung out on the strip and watched the people go by before heading back to our hotel room.  All in all, a truly fabulous weekend.

We have hit our stride here.  We’ve adjusted to the early morning routine and we are out the door and walking to school by 8:10 every morning.  Even my daughter is coming along for the walk (not like she has a choice) with no complaint.

My son is having some difficulties with the adjustment to a new school but we are working on it.  It’s causing some behavioural issues but I’m in a much better place to be able to deal with them.

I’m a much better mother these days.  I have more patience and more interaction with the children.  We’re playing soccer in the backyard and drawing with chalk on the driveway.

I’m in bed most nights by 11 pm and feeling quite calm and refreshed.  It’s amazing because even though what I have to do around the house has not diminished (it possibly increased) I’m not feeling the resentment and tension so it makes a big difference.

Other people have commented on the changes in me.  They noticed that I’m not as short with the children or quite as on edge.

I’m still feeling really good.  It’s been 7 weeks that I’ve been with my kids without much of a break.  There has been an hour here or there when someone has come over to watch them so I’ve could run some errands but basically it’s just me and them and I’m quite amazed I’m not climbing the walls looking for escape.

I love my house.  Love love love it.  I’m just about at the point where I am finished buying those big ticket items I need and now I’m just focusing on the final decorating touches.  One thing I really need is artwork.  There are a lot of really big walls in this house that need a lot of really big art.

I’m going to go Michaels and pick up a couple of canvases and some paint and the children and I are going to create our own artwork.  How many times have we all looked at an abstract painting and said “I could do that”.  Well now I’m going to put it to the test and see how we do.  I’m really looking forward to it and I’ll post pictures when we are done.

My ex has moved into her house and she is slowly getting settled.  She still needs to set up the kids bedrooms so it will be a while before the kids are spending any significant amount of time over there.  She’s on crutches so I don’t anticipate her being able to take them for several more months.

But that’s ok.  The kids and I, we are doing fine.

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Those quiet moments

My old house was one and a half story.  That meant that it was basically a bungalow with an extra bedroom tacked on upstairs.  That was where the master bedroom was and the children’s rooms were on the main floor. 

This was great when they were babies because naps and diaper changes were a breeze.  When they were first born they slept upstairs with us and eventually moved downstairs to their own room.

This means that our children didn’t spend a lot of time upstairs in our bedroom.  Occasionally my daughter would go upstairs and lie on our bed but that was when she was trying to find a quiet place to get away from it all.

Over the years I spent a lot of time sleeping on the couch in the living room.  This way I could hear the children if they woke up or it would save me walking up and down the stairs if they were having a difficult night.  So it has always been me coming to them and comforting them in their rooms, in their beds.

Last night my son woke up and said he’d had a nightmare.  He’s a timid little guy anyway and he just looked so sad and scared.  It was about 4 am so I asked him if he wanted to climb into bed with me.  The way his eyes lit up, you’d think I was offering him candy for breakfast.  He grabbed ALL his stuffed animals and proceeded to climb into my bed and settle in.

He finally fell asleep and I was dozing when I heard a noise.  It was my daughter, she was awake now too.  She was playing quietly in her room, watching Dora on the iPad.  She came out of her room and into mine and looked at my son in the bed with me.  She quietly moved his stuffed animals and climbed into bed as well and we all lay there until the alarm went off.

That was a great way to start the day.