He loves me

Last summer I bought an old beat up golf cart. The purpose was mainly to get equipment to and from the beach and to take my daughter for rides. It was old and tired but it worked and the price was right.

A couple of weeks ago my guy took the golf cart and said he was going to clean it up and get it ready for the season.

He worked on it for the last couple of weeks…he said it gave him something to do while I was traveling.

He brought it up to the trailer last night and I can’t believe what he did. He completely pimped my ride!

He repaired the body, replaced the rotten wood on the seats, changed the front and rear lights, added a dashboard and painted the whole thing.

It looks amazing. I can’t believe the amount of work he put into it.

The paint colour he used is exactly the same as his pick up truck…a very distinctive metallic orange. There is no hiding the fact that we are a couple up here at the park…we have matching vehicles!!!

I feel truly blessed that he is in my life and wow, do I ever love that man.

More confessions from a former lesbian

I am having a hard time self identifying as bisexual. Maybe it is because my entire identity for my adult life has been that of lesbian. But I’m pretty sure identifying as a lesbian with a boyfriend isn’t going to go over well in the community (not that I have any connection to the community these days).

The thing is that by default, people consider me a lesbian. I have children I coparent with another woman. I have a (soon to be) ex-wife. People understand that. When people hear that I now have a boyfriend I get a lot of blank and confused looks. This is actually harder than coming out the first time to friends and family, or every time thereafter to everyone else once I had my children.

It requires explanation. It requires me to get way more personal than I want to. As I said before, everyone understands black and white, gay or straight…this middle land I seem to be inhabiting right now is confusing for everyone it seems.

My biggest concern is confusing my son. He knows that I loved his momma and he knows that we were married. We’ve had conversations about how sometimes people are nicer to each other when they don’t live together and don’t love each other any more. We haven’t had conversations about falling in love with new people and I guess that one is going to be coming soon.

So far he hasn’t received any teasing about the fact that he has two mothers. The teachers and the school board are very diligent about making schools a safe space. There is a LGBT Parent Group that works with the school board but I don’t feel like I can be part of that group anymore either.

I worry about how he is going to explain his two mommies and his mommy’s boyfriend, although at this point he doesn’t realize that mommy has a boyfriend. How do I bring that up? My son knows that this guy spends a lot of time with us but I don’t think he even understands what a boyfriend/girlfriend is.

I’m also concerned about displays of affection. Are PDAs appropriate in this situation? He didn’t see a lot of PDA from me and his mother (probably part of the reason we are no longer together), but I want him to understand that this person is important to me and is going to figure prominently in our lives.

My ex has indicated that she doesn’t want any PDAs around the kids but I’m not sure that is reasonable any more. It made sense when this relationship was new and we weren’t sure where it was going or how long it would last. But that isn’t the case any more. It’s quite serious and this is a long-term relationship, not some passing dalliance.

Growing up I didn’t know anyone who was divorced. Even now, I don’t know a lot of people with kids who are divorced. I don’t have an example to look at and say “ok, that’s how you do it”.

This issue is so complex, and the fact that I went from being married to a woman to involved with a man has just made things even more confusing.

Making friends on the internet

I have three groups of friends from the internet, along with a bunch of other people I know through various message boards.

Group One would be what I like to refer to as My Lesbians, although there are a few token straight women. The core group met years ago on a message board when we were trying to conceive our children using donor sperm. This group eventually merged with my bloggers, most of whom were also lesbians (many who were part of the original group) and I have kept in contact with most of them in some form or another for almost 10 years.

I’ve met many of the women in this group, either when I was travelling through their cities or at organized meet ups where we’ve had 20+ people all come together. While I don’t “talk” to them as much, I still consider them an integral part of my life.
The second group is another off shoot from a message board. This group started off with about 20 members but over the years we’ve condensed to a core group of about 8. As seems to be the case with a lot of friendships, over the years we’ve drifted apart as our lives went in separate directions or we got too busy to invest in the care and feeding of the friendships.

This group got together back in 2009 following the death of one of our friends. I will always be grateful that we were able to come together at that time and I know that if I ever need advice, compassion or just a shoulder to cry on, I can always count on these women to have my back.

My third group of friends, and the group I just met in Chicago, is a relatively new group for me. We met again on a message board. I had known of most of these women through the regular boards and the progression to a “buddy group” of like-minded women occurred a couple of years ago. These women have helped me through my recent break up and we have all grown closer over the last 18 months or so.

Aside from My Lesbians all the other women are straight. In most cases I am the token lesbian (there is another lesbian in the group that met in Chicago, however, she wasn’t there).

I think that these friendships serve to show that there really aren’t any differences between us other than who we love.

Musings of a (former) lesbian

I had a single bed to myself. Not because no one wanted to sleep with the (former) lesbian but rather because I like my space. I’m fairly introverted so the whole weekend was a bit outside of my comfort zone so I needed some place where I could be “alone”.

Since I have been friends with most of these women for years everyone knows that I am a (former) lesbian.

As for have I had any lesbian thoughts since my transformation…I’m not exactly sure what that means. Have I thought about having sex with a woman? Do I miss sex with women?

I would have to say that no, I haven’t had any lesbian thoughts, nor do I miss having sex with women. I am enjoying what is happening in my life right now. Maybe that will change in the future, and I will deal with it if and when it happens.

Do I feel straight now?

I’m not sure. I don’t feel any different than I did before. I still feel like me, I just happen to be involved with a man.

I have always been equally attracted to men, I’ve just chosen not to have relationships with them. I felt that I couldn’t form the same emotional commitment to a man that I could with a woman. Apparently I was wrong.

I identified as a lesbian because it was easier to belong to one group or the other. There is still a lot of stigma from both sides of the closet regarding those who identify as bisexual. Many people are so far to either side of the Kinsey Scale that they just can’t fathom being attracted to both sexes equally. They need to have a clear yes or no answer. But for me there isn’t a yes or no answer.

Sometimes I feel guilty for having a relationship with a man. I worry that I am perpetuating the old adage that a lesbian just hasn’t met the right man…that I am the person the right side is pointing to when they say “look, it is a choice, you’re not born gay”.

I don’t want to be the poster child for the ex-gay movement. I don’t feel ex-gay. I didn’t get involved with a man because I was ashamed of my relationships with women or because I was trying to fight my attraction to women. I am in this relationship with this man because of him, not because of me. Because he is kind and gentle and makes me feel loved and cherished. I am attracted to him as a person…not him as a penis.

I have taken a bit of heat from some of the lesbians I know. There are people who are no longer in my life because of my relationship. I think that is unfortunate because as far as I’m concerned I was born THIS way.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

The girls’ weekend was a lot of fun.  It was a group of internet friends that I got to know a couple of years ago on a message board.  When we met we were all women who were trying to juggle jobs, marriage and children and we were determined to have it all.  Over the years there have been job losses and marriage break ups, so while the make up of the group has changed, our friendships have not.

Internet meet ups are strange enough when you’re arranging to meet a virtual strange for lunch.  Making plans to meet and live for 4 days with people you’ve never met…it’s a bit surreal.

However, I have done this a time or two with other internet groups so, while I had some reservations, I also knew that it was probably going to be a very fun weekend.  That doesn’t mean that I wasn’t considering cancelling, right up until the morning I departed…my insecurities run deep.

There were 3 other women who I have met and who are somewhat local to me.  We made arrangements to travel to Chicago together so the trip started off great and with people I had already met.  When we arrived in Chicago we met up with 3 additional people and found a taxi to take us to our weekend retreat.

We choose to rent a house from VRBO.  If you’ve never done this, you should try it.  For the 11 of us, we rented a 4+1 bedroom house, for less than the cost of hotel rooms.  We had a full kitchen, 4 bathrooms, living room and dining room.  Having that much common space made it much easier for us all to get to know each other better (as did sharing beds!!) and by the end of the weekend it was hard to believe that I hadn’t met these women in person before that time.

I have made some wonderful friends on the internet over the years.  Some people that I consider my dearest friends, I have never actually met.  If I have learned anything from the internet meet ups is that internet friendships can be real and meaningful, otherwise weekends like this would not flow so easily.

When we first got there we went grocery shopping and bought some staples for the weekend – mainly finger foods, cold cuts and cheese/fruit.  This gave us all something to snack on and meant that one or more of us didn’t have to spend all our time cooking.

There was booze aplenty.  One of the things that we all have in common is our love for wine or an alcoholic beverage to take the edge off after a long day.  The alcohol flowed freely and we all had a great time.  

We got out and did some sightseeing and we went for dinner and a show, but the majority of the time was spent at the house just talking and laughing.  It was a really great experience with a wonderful group of women.

Home again

Actually I’ve been home, gone again and then returned since I last wrote. It’s amazing how life can sometimes get in the way.

So I will start with the Cuba trip.

It was definitely a different vacation than the one I took to Cuba in January. Travelling with the children means that I didn’t get to do a lot of the drinking and lying around I did the first time. That’s ok, we still had fun.

The resort was ok. It was too big and there was too much walking. Unlike the resort I was at in January, the beach here had a lot of coral at the shore line and water shoes were a must. The beach was also significantly smaller and not as nice. In January the beach was expansive. It was wide (+100 ft) and went on for miles. Here the beach was narrow (only about 30 ft from trees to water’s edge) but it also went on for miles. Because the beach was so much narrower it seemed like there was not enough room for everyone down there and it felt crowded.

Also, there weren’t really enough lounge chairs around the pool area. If you weren’t out there before 5 am with your towels you weren’t getting any shade. And if you weren’t out there by 8 am you probably wouldn’t even get a chair.

The food was ok. Cuba is definitely not known for its great cuisine at the resorts but we were all able to find something to eat every day and no one went hungry.

My daughter had a great time. She loves the sun and wanted nothing more than to lie on a lounge chair and watch Dora on her ipod. That made it difficult when my son wanted to do things but travelling with my friends meant that one of us would stay with my daughter while the other went off with my son.

We did get a lot of stares at my daughter. She is a big girl – 5′ tall and about 120 lbs. Behaviours that people were able to ignore in a child of 5 or 6 are harder to write off when you’re dealing with someone adult size. Funnily enough there were no stares or comments from the staff at the hotel. They never batted an eye when my daughter would stim or tic. They would just look at me and smile and ask if there was anything they could do to help. The tourists – the ones you would think would be familiar with autism and first world problems were the ones commenting and staring.

While I try to ignore it, it’s hard. I am thankful that my daughter is completely oblivious to this but it hurts me just the same.

By the end of the week we were all ready to leave. 7 days in a 250 sq.ft. room is a lot of togetherness and we were all looking forward to getting back to our routines.

Our flight home was delayed so we arrived at the airport around 1 am. After clearing customs, getting our luggage, saying goodbye to our friends and driving home, it was almost 3 am by the time we got home. I had known we were going to be late so I had my mom at my house waiting so she could stay with the kids the next day rather than waking them at 7 am for school. I, on the other hand, had to get up for an 8 am conference call.

I was only back at work for 2 days before I was on another plane heading for Chicago for a different kind of vacation. A girls’ weekend. 11 women renting a house in a city none of us lived in. I had only met 4 of the women before because this was an internet group meet up. But I’ll save that story for another day.

leaving on a jet plane

We will be heading to the airport in about an hour. Its amazing how unstressed I am about the whole thing. We will go and have a great time I’m sure.

The kids are great travellers and are both looking forward to some time in the sun, especially after this very long winter.

Three more weekends and the trailer park opens.

As much as I am looking forward to my upcoming trips, I’m looking forward to the trailer opening more.

Love Life

K was asking for an update on my relationship. Since K and Apolena are the only ones who ever comment here, I figure I better do as she asks.

Things on that front are good. Very, very good.

We have gotten into a routine of when we see each other. Usually it is when the kids are with my ex, but he is starting to come over more when they are around too. He enjoys spending time with my son. They like to fix things around the house together. It brings a smile to my face to watch him teach my son. He has a lot of patience with him and doesn’t seem bothered by his incessant questions.

He’s not sure how to interact with my daughter. She, on the other hand, seems to be quite taken with him. She will ask him for hugs, she will sit down beside him and put his arm around her and she has started to give him kisses. I don’t blame him for being tentative with her. It’s all so very new for him. But he is trying and that means everything to me.

His 18 year old daughter has returned from college and moved home with him. We had been spending a lot of time at his house but we’ve backed off a little bit to give her time to adjust. She says that she is happy that he is happy and that she has no issue with me at all. The three of us even went out for dinner one night. But there is no need to push and make her uncomfortable.

We won’t see each other much in the next couple of weeks between my work schedule and my upcoming vacations. I think it will be most difficult when I’m in Cuba. We’ve gotten into the habit of talking/texting every day and for 7 days my phone will be turned off and I won’t be able to talk to him.

I remember travelling with my BFF and the kids over March break back in 2011. Her partner had stayed home and I gave her such a hard time about how much she missed her and how she called her every night. I barely thought about my ex while I was away…

I’m sure she (my BFF) will delight in bugging me about missing my boyfriend (that still sounds so strange to me).

We are both looking forward to the trailer park opening in 4 weeks because we know that we’ll be able to see each other and spend a lot more time together once we are there every weekend.

If I’m honest (and I usually try to be here), I can see where this is heading. In fact, if it was just the two of us, things would have progressed further by now. While I do find it frustrating to have to go so slow, I am also glad for something that forces me to wait, have patience, and make sure that this is truly as good as it feels.

Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work I go

I think I mentioned before that things have been crazy busy at work lately. I’ve taken on a big project and it has ramped up to take up vast amounts of my time. I had gotten used to being able to manage some of my day to day personal tasks during my working day. Grocery shopping at lunch, running errands between conference calls…but now I’m scrambling to find time to fit it all in.

I think that I’ve been spoiled as far as work is concerned. I primarily work from home and I have been able to set my own hours, basically working when I need to in order to ensure the work gets done. These days I’ve been so busy I haven’t been able to take any time for me and I’m starting to worry about getting things ready for my trip to Cuba in 10 days.

I’m really lucky that my mother has stepped up and helped me out so much. I’ve been out of town on business for the last 3 days and I couldn’t do that if she wasn’t there to watch the kids. I’m out of town for 2 days next week and then it is a last minute push to get everything done I need to so I can shut off my Black*berry for 7 whole days.

I get home from Cuba late on Monday night and then I’m off again on Thursday to Chicago for a girls weekend. 12 women from all over the US and Canada and we are all going to meet in Chicago. We’ve rented a house and pre-ordered the wine. I don’t think Chicago knows what’s coming.

Sometimes you get it right

I think I’ve said it before, my daughter is a hard one to buy gifts for.

I think I definitely picked the right gift for her 10th birthday.

I might have trouble keeping up with her now.